Königsfeld im Schwarzwald
48°8′19”N, 8°25′4” E
The holidays far from home provide the opportunity to experience new routines and customs in far away places. We spent the holiday season with a dear friend of Mary’s from long, long ago. Lotte, Alex, and Alma invited us to Königsfeld in the far south of Germany for Christmas and New Years.
It turns out that you can walk almost anywhere from the small town with the freshest air. We wandered through incredible forest to castles, countrysides, and saw hundreds of mushrooms. The best part of the entire place…eichhörnchen, or tree squirrels. They were absolute magic with furry ears and in Germany people feed the creatures, so they come right up to you demanding whatever treats you may have.
Lotte’s daughter, Alma, was also a total gem. She is a brilliant almost 2 year old that drinks a warm malted beverage that she calls her coffee. She is absolutely a 90 year old soul in a tiny body here to school us all on the importance of keeping things tidy.
“Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know. Nothing ever really attacks us except our own confusion. Perhaps there is no solid obstacle except our own need to protect ourselves from being touched. If we run a hundred miles an hour to the other end of the continent in order to get away from the obstacle, we find the very same problem waiting for us when we arrive. It just keeps returning with new names, forms, manifestations until we learn whatever it has to teach us about where we are separating ourselves from reality, how we are pulling back instead of opening up, closing down instead of allowing ourselves to experience fully whatever we encounter, without hesitating or retreating into ourselves.”
― Pema Chödrön
We would be negligent storytellers if we glossed over the profound healing that has been happening out here as we move from place to place. Together we have been working through the insidious impacts of narcissism in our lives and our love. Traveling has helped us to identify familiar patterns, watch them play out to and with the people we love, and to be able to reflect on our own actions.
Nancy Van Dyken’s Everyday Narcissism has been a super helpful guide and includes five myths that are powerful to contemplate:
We are responsible for—and have the power to control—how other people feel and behave.
Other people are responsible for—and have the power to control—the way we feel and behave.
The needs and wants of other people are more important than our own.
Following the rules is also more important than addressing our needs and feelings.
We are not lovable as we are; we can only become lovable through what we do and say.
Peeling back the layers has been difficult and powerful. If there is anything traveling makes clear, it is that you can never get away from the patterns that haunt you. The vulnerability of the adventure amplifies the noise of old patterns and they appear at every turn. Together we are working to realize when we are unkind to each other, making sure the words we say are filled with curiosity and love even when we may be going in opposite directions, and lifting each other before either of us has fallen. It isnʻt easy, but it is necessary to avoid repeating centuries of patterns that are determined to continue raging through our human relationships.